Teen Wolf

Since this newcomer Michael J Fox seems to be adept at playing a Republican and time traveller, we thought it would be a seamless transition to play a teenage warewolf.

We don't have the full complicated plot locked down, but something about the five-foot-and-nothing Fox defying the odds and playing a starring role for his high school basketball team while turning into a wolf at times. Another basketball teammate makes the term 'round mound of rebound' seem like an understatement. We'll assume the aptly named Beavers rely on toughness and moxie more than speed and size.

Fox and his sidekick, the not really stylish wiseass called Styles, are the kids in high school who aren't uber popular, but cool enough to get invited to makeout parties. They're certainly not popular enough to score the hot blonde, who dates the dick, who stars for the rival high school's team. There probably are too many white star hoops players in this movie, but it's the 80s in the suburbs... One girl who catches Fox's attention is the 'good friend,' who is cute, but he doesn't notice in THAT way.

Fox and Styles spend their time like your average high school kids: going to parties, trying to score beer and riding on the top of vans at 50 miles per hour. But things really start to changes when Fox becomes Wolf. No, it's not just his adolescent body changing, he really becomes a full-fedged wolf boy when people rile him up. Think of it like the Incredible Hulk with hair and adept at basketball. Something about the wolf transformation running in his family - some people have baldness, others inherit blue eyes. In this case, it's hair, fangs and a vertical leap.

Although a freak by most standards, wolfboy somehow becomes the most popular kid at school, easily maneuvering car roof surfing and dominating the baketball court like a fanged Larry Bird. Predictably, this all goes to his head and his real friends get tired of the selfish wolf act. But basketball games need to be won, and the fans want wolfie to bring home the championship. A conflicted Fox/wolf decides to do the right thing and try to play hoops as a limited homosapien. We learn that one thing white boys still do in basketball is shoot free throws, and that's exactly what he does to bring home some version of a title. He gets the right girl, too, snubbing the snobby blonde in her path.

Oh, and we've invented the all-time psych-out for all those weight-challenged basketball players: shoot it fat boy!

The montage from the final game is so cool and realistic, it will surely stand the test of time. I mean, will things ever get more culturally relevant than five minutes of synth and basketball from the 80s??

The Book of Eli

To start 2010, we have a guest entry! From Ms. Trinh Luu of Queens, NY....by way of Sydney...by way of San Diego...by way of San Jose...by way of Illinois...by way of Vietnam. For her many travels and submission to the 'Armageddon' blog, she receives...well, not sure. Will have to get back to that one. Enjoy.



The movie opens with Denzel Washington, who plays Eli, killing a hairless cat and eating it for dinner. He spends his days walking across post-apocalyptic Earth, due west. Thirty years ago, during “the flash,” the sun left Earth desolate and dry, depleted of all its natural resources. The few people left are killing each other for things like shampoo and Chapstick. KFC wet naps also seem to be of high value, as are Zippo lighters. Those who have not already been blinded by the sun have to wear super hip aviator Ray Bans to protect their eyes. While walking across the country, Denzel seems to have a supernatural ability to kill people with his super sharp knife while he is resistant to bullets and chainsaws alike. He continues west, because it is his path, killing everyone who tries to kill him for his Chapstick and moist towelettes.

Mila Kunis plays Solara, aka the hot girl, because what's a good movie without a hot girl? Young and hot Mila was born after the end of the world; therefore, she is illiterate and has no idea what an iPod is. She starts following Denzel around because well, who wouldn’t? She hates her town and the people in it and wants to go west too, wherever that may be. The guy who runs the town where she lives is searching the world for a particular book, claiming that this book will bring civilization back to humanity. He sends his illiterate minions out to slaughter and ravage drifters in search of this book. What book could this possible be?

And this is when we find out that Denzel has the ONLY copy of the bible left on the entire planet!

Of course, Denzel will not give up his bible because God spoke to him 30 years ago, telling him this bible must get to a safe place somewhere in the west. After getting shot in the stomach and escaping cannibals, Denzel and Mila acquire a vehicle and drive to San Francisco.

In the end, the bible makes it to Alcatraz, where a guy who looks like Einstein is opening the very first printing press. And this is when we find out that... dun dun DUUUUUN... Eli has been blind this WHOLE TIME and GOD has been guiding him and protecting him from harm in order to get the very last copy of the bible to Einstein and his printer. Wow, if you aren't inspired by now...
BUT
BUT
the bad guy from before took the actual copy of the bible
and when he opened it he realized that... dun dun DUUUUN... it was in Braille! Oh, the irony.

The movie ends as Eli recites the bible word for word given that he has been reading it every night whilst travelling west for the last 30 years. Eli prays to God and asks Him to protect Mila as she continues on her journey, with her Ray Bans. I see sequel potential here.

What About Bob?

We're thinking of calling this one 'Sal Makes Everyone Crazy.' Here we go...

Crazy guy goes to psychiatrist. Psychiatrist starts to go crazy based on the crazy guy's craziness and how his craziness is making the psychiatrist's family think he's crazy for not liking the crazy guy. Crazy guy goes sailing. Psychiatrist officially goes crazy and tries to blow up the crazy guy, but unknowingly cures the crazy guy of his craziness. But then cured crazy guy blows up the going-crazy psychiatrist's house and he goes REALLY crazy. Until the cured crazy guy marries the newly crazy psychiatrist's sister and crazy psychiatrist breaks out of his craziness. Movie ends with both newly un-crazy guys becoming rival psychiatrists. But really, everyone is still a little crazy.

This is what we call dark humor.

We'll also mention the first crazy guy's name all the time in the hopes that someday people will play a drinking game based on the amount of his crazy name is uttered.

Crocodile Dundee

Another partnership movie, this time supporting both Australian AND NY tourism....we're getting better at this financing thing.

So a glamorous-looking NY reporter heads to Australia to cover some leather-clad, croc-hunting Aussie bloke named Mick Dundee. His name is the first of tons of cliches this movie will provide. I mean, we got guys in 4x4s drinking Fosters hunting kangaroos, Mick channelling animals with some Down Under hand signal, even the late-night Aboriginal dance session.

The reporter thinks she's a tough girl and can handle the Aussie outback, until a mean ole croc decides he wants some prime NY steak. But Mick jumps out of nowhere, sticks a knife (!) into te beast and saves the day. NY reporter is so impressed by Mick's feats of strength, she pays for his economy ticket, presumably on Qantas, back to NY. And this is where the real fun starts...which is nice, because movies usually tail off by this point.

In the Big Apple, Mick makes friends everwhere he turns: the bellhop, the drunken taxi driver, the mailman who does Nixon impressions (am I imaginging a potential sequel already?). He even shows some Down Under naivete and treats the streets of Manhattan like his hometown. No getting mugged with a pocket knife here, Mick has a croc slicer. How can that get on the plane? Ah, no worries, right? Did we mention the hometown is actually called Walkabout Creek?? Perrrfect.

Most importantly, Mick is starting to win over the NY reporter, who has googly eyes for the leather-clad Aussie who saved her instead of the blue-blood douche-y editor who ends up pulling the forced engagement trick....not the first time this is being used, certainly not the last. This moves turns Mick off and he decides to let loose a bit and hang with his driver, the guy who's about to play both Carl Winslow in an ABC sitcom and the friendly cop in an upcoming Bruce Willis flick about a building at Christmas or something. When Mick and Carl Winslow get into a bit of trouble with the street folk, Winslow catches a bad guy by tossing his limo decoration like a boomerang and knocking the guy down! Then Mick offers a bit of inappropriate Aussie gesture afterwards and asks Winslow what tribe he's from. Don't worry, it's 1986, people won't care yet.

Finally, Mick, on his way out of town, is stopped by the reporter girl, who decides that she really does love how Mick knows nothing about living in the city and lack of subtlety. She expresses this love on the most crowded NY subway platform ever, where strangers pass said love messages to and fro Mick and reporter. Mick then decides to walk on people's heads to get to her, one of those heads wearing a Mets cap, and they live happily ever after....until a few years later, when she gets kidnapped by drug lords and the whole thing goes, as Aussies would say 'pear shaped.'

We've agreed to some silly contract to not allow the actor who plays Mick, Paul Hogan, to be in anything else except Subaru commercials and other 'Dundee' sequels. That should suit his career just fine.

And we give you our trailer...

Top Gun

Have to admit, we don't really have much of a plot yet, but we have Kenny Loggins, a scene where topless guys play voleyball and the support of the US Navy. In fact, we've agreed to have them finance half of this movie as a recruiting tool. What we're thinking is a story of a hotshot young Navy pilot and his goofball sidekick(goof...goose...Gooseman?)who takes risks in the air, and nobody likes it, especaially a spiky-haired young actor named Val Kilmer, who expresses his un-appreciation with gum chewing and teeth snapping.

Someone who does happen to appreciate the Maverick man (at least privately) is a hot blonde who happens to be...the pilots' intructor of some sort! Maverick courts the young lady by having a badass, cocky attitude, riding his motorcycle fast, playing a synth-fuelled tune by Berlin on a loop and publicly serenading her with an old Righteous Brother's song.

Following a few successfull, but much-maligned trips to the skies, Maverick and Goose encounter some trouble...Maverick wants to be in the movies and Goose prefers tv hospital dramas, so they head seperate ways. No, actually, Goose dies trying to parachute out of trouble, and the movie decends into 20 minutes of the same sad music.

After the Goose incident and more sad music, Maverick decides to pack it up and head for the set of a new Oliver Stone movie. But after consulting with a mustauched Tom Skerrit, who flew planes with Maverick's pops back in the day, Mav decides to attend the understated Top Gun graduation, which will take place at some sort of community pool. However, trouble is afoot...something, which we won't make very clear, has happened over the Indian Ocean and the newly graduated Top Gunners, including Maverick of course, are immediately sent on their first mission. Being peacetime and all, we need to come up with some BS incident, with unidentifiable 'migs' causing trouble overseas.

The super flying crew is joined on an aircraft carrier with the guy who just played Strickland in Back to the Future. Val Kilmer (Iceman, the gum-snapping cool character) and his wing man lead the way, along with Wolfman, who has a cool name too, but won' be played by nearly as well-known an actor. Maverick kind of plays the reserve in this drama, but when Wolfman can't escape the migs, Maverick gets motivated by Kenny Loggins and saves the day. After much reluctance, Iceman welcomes Maverick into his world of cool and accepts dangerousness....the world is ok.

















The flying scenes in this movie has tons of cuts and will be very confusing, but we're confident viewers will be so enterained by all he hunky actors and quinessential 80s music, they won't care. A generation of 7-year-old boys will just want to mistakenly join the Air Force, but we won't tell our Navy financers that.

Thanks to Kenny Loggins, we have a sneak peek of the lead single in this drama, fittingly about a zone that's dangerous.

Dukes of Hazzard

It’s the late 70s…people want to see two vigilante redneck cousins (or maybe modern-day Robin Hoods) kick up dirt in their Dodge Charger, draped in the yet-to-be-blatant racist insignia of the confederate flag. We’ll give them an uncle who wears overalls and looks like a mix between Santa Claus and Kenny Rodgers. What his role is, yet to be determined. I suppose the wise old bearded coot. Speaking of Coot, the cousins are also chummy with the local mechanic, who serves a purpose as the caretaker of the Charger…which, get this…we’ve named the General Lee. If this show doesn’t play well south of the Mason-Dixie line, I’m out of this business forever. Best of all, we’ll make this whole setup appropriately incestual and give the Duke boys a hot-ass cousin who wears these new cutoff jean shorts that are popular with the Farrah Fawcett set.

In the tradition of Wily Coyote-Road Runner, Bugs Bunny-Elmer Fudd and Tom-Jerry, the Dukes will play a cat-and-mouse game with the bumbling local cops, one of which ‘fights’ crime with a lazy houndog. As the Duke cousins launch their car over the yet-to-be-bridged waterways of Hazzard County, we’ll add in dramatic pauses to leave the viewers (we’re estimating an audience of five-year-old boys) on the edge of their seats. In reality, they’ll probably just be waiting for the next scene with Daisy Duke.

Oh, and we’ve commissioned Waylon Jennings to record what we believe will be one of the best tv show theme songs ever. Waylon’s contract states that he has to narrate the episodes, so we’re gonna let him do that. Could work for those dramatic pauses.

Karate Kid

A not yet karate trained kid and his mom head for the west coast from the streets of Parsippany, NJ...but they're not fitting in. Low and behold, the Okinowan handyman takes Danny Boy under his wing and teaches him the art/philosophy of karate and gives him confidence. There's a big market these days for karate, it's about to get huuuuge, trust me! Daniel's adversaries are a gang of hoodlums called the Cobra Kai's, another karate outfit who don't understand the ways of true karate that Mr. Miagi teaches: magic teas, painting fences, mysterious hand clapping cure alls, balance, and of course, both waxing on and waxing off.

The Cobra Kais are led by that kid who's a dick in all the movies recently: blonde, cocky always looking like a mix between preppy and badass. His name is Johnny and he just happens to be the best karate kid in the valley. The film ends at the All Valley Karate Championships, where an unregistered Daniel runs through the March-madness style tourney and overcomes getting his leg 'swept' to defeat Johnny in the finals and take the title. Mr. Miagi is notably understated in celebrations, but Daniel is estastic that his friends who left him earlier in the film are back and basking in his recent glory.

We've found a love interest for Daniel, a young blonde California girl from the right side of the tracks called Elizabeth Shue (pronounced like the footwear). Her and Daniel will conflict over class throughout the movie and will eventually ditch him for someone at UCLA, but we're already planning the sequel and Daniel's getting a hottie Okinowan girl. How fitting.

Here's the pump up scene from the karate tourney. People are going to remember Joe Esposito's music for generations: