Teen Wolf

Since this newcomer Michael J Fox seems to be adept at playing a Republican and time traveller, we thought it would be a seamless transition to play a teenage warewolf.

We don't have the full complicated plot locked down, but something about the five-foot-and-nothing Fox defying the odds and playing a starring role for his high school basketball team while turning into a wolf at times. Another basketball teammate makes the term 'round mound of rebound' seem like an understatement. We'll assume the aptly named Beavers rely on toughness and moxie more than speed and size.

Fox and his sidekick, the not really stylish wiseass called Styles, are the kids in high school who aren't uber popular, but cool enough to get invited to makeout parties. They're certainly not popular enough to score the hot blonde, who dates the dick, who stars for the rival high school's team. There probably are too many white star hoops players in this movie, but it's the 80s in the suburbs... One girl who catches Fox's attention is the 'good friend,' who is cute, but he doesn't notice in THAT way.

Fox and Styles spend their time like your average high school kids: going to parties, trying to score beer and riding on the top of vans at 50 miles per hour. But things really start to changes when Fox becomes Wolf. No, it's not just his adolescent body changing, he really becomes a full-fedged wolf boy when people rile him up. Think of it like the Incredible Hulk with hair and adept at basketball. Something about the wolf transformation running in his family - some people have baldness, others inherit blue eyes. In this case, it's hair, fangs and a vertical leap.

Although a freak by most standards, wolfboy somehow becomes the most popular kid at school, easily maneuvering car roof surfing and dominating the baketball court like a fanged Larry Bird. Predictably, this all goes to his head and his real friends get tired of the selfish wolf act. But basketball games need to be won, and the fans want wolfie to bring home the championship. A conflicted Fox/wolf decides to do the right thing and try to play hoops as a limited homosapien. We learn that one thing white boys still do in basketball is shoot free throws, and that's exactly what he does to bring home some version of a title. He gets the right girl, too, snubbing the snobby blonde in her path.

Oh, and we've invented the all-time psych-out for all those weight-challenged basketball players: shoot it fat boy!

The montage from the final game is so cool and realistic, it will surely stand the test of time. I mean, will things ever get more culturally relevant than five minutes of synth and basketball from the 80s??

The Book of Eli

To start 2010, we have a guest entry! From Ms. Trinh Luu of Queens, NY....by way of Sydney...by way of San Diego...by way of San Jose...by way of Illinois...by way of Vietnam. For her many travels and submission to the 'Armageddon' blog, she receives...well, not sure. Will have to get back to that one. Enjoy.



The movie opens with Denzel Washington, who plays Eli, killing a hairless cat and eating it for dinner. He spends his days walking across post-apocalyptic Earth, due west. Thirty years ago, during “the flash,” the sun left Earth desolate and dry, depleted of all its natural resources. The few people left are killing each other for things like shampoo and Chapstick. KFC wet naps also seem to be of high value, as are Zippo lighters. Those who have not already been blinded by the sun have to wear super hip aviator Ray Bans to protect their eyes. While walking across the country, Denzel seems to have a supernatural ability to kill people with his super sharp knife while he is resistant to bullets and chainsaws alike. He continues west, because it is his path, killing everyone who tries to kill him for his Chapstick and moist towelettes.

Mila Kunis plays Solara, aka the hot girl, because what's a good movie without a hot girl? Young and hot Mila was born after the end of the world; therefore, she is illiterate and has no idea what an iPod is. She starts following Denzel around because well, who wouldn’t? She hates her town and the people in it and wants to go west too, wherever that may be. The guy who runs the town where she lives is searching the world for a particular book, claiming that this book will bring civilization back to humanity. He sends his illiterate minions out to slaughter and ravage drifters in search of this book. What book could this possible be?

And this is when we find out that Denzel has the ONLY copy of the bible left on the entire planet!

Of course, Denzel will not give up his bible because God spoke to him 30 years ago, telling him this bible must get to a safe place somewhere in the west. After getting shot in the stomach and escaping cannibals, Denzel and Mila acquire a vehicle and drive to San Francisco.

In the end, the bible makes it to Alcatraz, where a guy who looks like Einstein is opening the very first printing press. And this is when we find out that... dun dun DUUUUUN... Eli has been blind this WHOLE TIME and GOD has been guiding him and protecting him from harm in order to get the very last copy of the bible to Einstein and his printer. Wow, if you aren't inspired by now...
BUT
BUT
the bad guy from before took the actual copy of the bible
and when he opened it he realized that... dun dun DUUUUN... it was in Braille! Oh, the irony.

The movie ends as Eli recites the bible word for word given that he has been reading it every night whilst travelling west for the last 30 years. Eli prays to God and asks Him to protect Mila as she continues on her journey, with her Ray Bans. I see sequel potential here.