Top Gun

Have to admit, we don't really have much of a plot yet, but we have Kenny Loggins, a scene where topless guys play voleyball and the support of the US Navy. In fact, we've agreed to have them finance half of this movie as a recruiting tool. What we're thinking is a story of a hotshot young Navy pilot and his goofball sidekick(goof...goose...Gooseman?)who takes risks in the air, and nobody likes it, especaially a spiky-haired young actor named Val Kilmer, who expresses his un-appreciation with gum chewing and teeth snapping.

Someone who does happen to appreciate the Maverick man (at least privately) is a hot blonde who happens to be...the pilots' intructor of some sort! Maverick courts the young lady by having a badass, cocky attitude, riding his motorcycle fast, playing a synth-fuelled tune by Berlin on a loop and publicly serenading her with an old Righteous Brother's song.

Following a few successfull, but much-maligned trips to the skies, Maverick and Goose encounter some trouble...Maverick wants to be in the movies and Goose prefers tv hospital dramas, so they head seperate ways. No, actually, Goose dies trying to parachute out of trouble, and the movie decends into 20 minutes of the same sad music.

After the Goose incident and more sad music, Maverick decides to pack it up and head for the set of a new Oliver Stone movie. But after consulting with a mustauched Tom Skerrit, who flew planes with Maverick's pops back in the day, Mav decides to attend the understated Top Gun graduation, which will take place at some sort of community pool. However, trouble is afoot...something, which we won't make very clear, has happened over the Indian Ocean and the newly graduated Top Gunners, including Maverick of course, are immediately sent on their first mission. Being peacetime and all, we need to come up with some BS incident, with unidentifiable 'migs' causing trouble overseas.

The super flying crew is joined on an aircraft carrier with the guy who just played Strickland in Back to the Future. Val Kilmer (Iceman, the gum-snapping cool character) and his wing man lead the way, along with Wolfman, who has a cool name too, but won' be played by nearly as well-known an actor. Maverick kind of plays the reserve in this drama, but when Wolfman can't escape the migs, Maverick gets motivated by Kenny Loggins and saves the day. After much reluctance, Iceman welcomes Maverick into his world of cool and accepts dangerousness....the world is ok.

















The flying scenes in this movie has tons of cuts and will be very confusing, but we're confident viewers will be so enterained by all he hunky actors and quinessential 80s music, they won't care. A generation of 7-year-old boys will just want to mistakenly join the Air Force, but we won't tell our Navy financers that.

Thanks to Kenny Loggins, we have a sneak peek of the lead single in this drama, fittingly about a zone that's dangerous.

Dukes of Hazzard

It’s the late 70s…people want to see two vigilante redneck cousins (or maybe modern-day Robin Hoods) kick up dirt in their Dodge Charger, draped in the yet-to-be-blatant racist insignia of the confederate flag. We’ll give them an uncle who wears overalls and looks like a mix between Santa Claus and Kenny Rodgers. What his role is, yet to be determined. I suppose the wise old bearded coot. Speaking of Coot, the cousins are also chummy with the local mechanic, who serves a purpose as the caretaker of the Charger…which, get this…we’ve named the General Lee. If this show doesn’t play well south of the Mason-Dixie line, I’m out of this business forever. Best of all, we’ll make this whole setup appropriately incestual and give the Duke boys a hot-ass cousin who wears these new cutoff jean shorts that are popular with the Farrah Fawcett set.

In the tradition of Wily Coyote-Road Runner, Bugs Bunny-Elmer Fudd and Tom-Jerry, the Dukes will play a cat-and-mouse game with the bumbling local cops, one of which ‘fights’ crime with a lazy houndog. As the Duke cousins launch their car over the yet-to-be-bridged waterways of Hazzard County, we’ll add in dramatic pauses to leave the viewers (we’re estimating an audience of five-year-old boys) on the edge of their seats. In reality, they’ll probably just be waiting for the next scene with Daisy Duke.

Oh, and we’ve commissioned Waylon Jennings to record what we believe will be one of the best tv show theme songs ever. Waylon’s contract states that he has to narrate the episodes, so we’re gonna let him do that. Could work for those dramatic pauses.

Karate Kid

A not yet karate trained kid and his mom head for the west coast from the streets of Parsippany, NJ...but they're not fitting in. Low and behold, the Okinowan handyman takes Danny Boy under his wing and teaches him the art/philosophy of karate and gives him confidence. There's a big market these days for karate, it's about to get huuuuge, trust me! Daniel's adversaries are a gang of hoodlums called the Cobra Kai's, another karate outfit who don't understand the ways of true karate that Mr. Miagi teaches: magic teas, painting fences, mysterious hand clapping cure alls, balance, and of course, both waxing on and waxing off.

The Cobra Kais are led by that kid who's a dick in all the movies recently: blonde, cocky always looking like a mix between preppy and badass. His name is Johnny and he just happens to be the best karate kid in the valley. The film ends at the All Valley Karate Championships, where an unregistered Daniel runs through the March-madness style tourney and overcomes getting his leg 'swept' to defeat Johnny in the finals and take the title. Mr. Miagi is notably understated in celebrations, but Daniel is estastic that his friends who left him earlier in the film are back and basking in his recent glory.

We've found a love interest for Daniel, a young blonde California girl from the right side of the tracks called Elizabeth Shue (pronounced like the footwear). Her and Daniel will conflict over class throughout the movie and will eventually ditch him for someone at UCLA, but we're already planning the sequel and Daniel's getting a hottie Okinowan girl. How fitting.

Here's the pump up scene from the karate tourney. People are going to remember Joe Esposito's music for generations:

Armageddon

OK, so an asteroid is headed for earth and the whiz kids at NASA have run out of ideas on what to do about it. Some genius then decides to drill a hole in the asteroid and drop an atomic bomb in there, blow the whole thing to smitherinees. But who has the knowhow and skill to complete both tasks?? Well, Bruce Willis and his ragtag bunch of oil drill guys, that's who! Doesn't matter they have no clue about atomic weaponry and three days of space training...it will be just like on the rig.

Ben Affleck can play the hotshot young driller who has a beef with Bruce, and seems to take a liking to Bruce's daughter, aka the lead singer of Aerosmith's daughter. Sweet emotion, indeed. But Ben prooves his worth on that asteroid and gets respect from ole Bruce. There's other guys,like 300lb teddy bear Max, who is probably about 150 pounds too big to go in space...same goes for that big black guy. Steve Bushemi has signed a 10 year contract to play crazy, so we'll stick with that. Oh, and it might be bit of a casting stretch, but we got Billy Bob Thornton to play a rocket scientist who was too crippled to ever go in space. Yes, that same Billy Bob...I know, the french fried potaters guy...we'll clean him up.

'Wait, if you blow up an A bomb in an asteroid that close to Earth, won't that still kind of screw things up on our little planet? Where does the debris of this huge asteroid go when it's obliterated?' Don't worry, we've checked with NASA, the general public is too dumb to think about the scientific plausibility of 90% of the movie. Plus, they'll be to worried about the world ending and listening to this ballad from Bruce Willis' daughter's dad that ties the whooole thing together: